ditda's Journal

lets take a picyure now i do not want to forget the way you look at me when everything is perfect
why hello, i havent written in awhile im always at abbys or running around doing something. school has started again and i already left one of my classes early but do these teachers honestly think that students want to listen to them blab for three hours and 50 min i mean honestly switch it up.i just got back from the keys and women fest im soooo sunburnt. i went topless and i won a prize for being the youngest lesbian there pretty cool. its funny how i used to be so ashamed of my body and now i just wanna be naked every chance i get. abby wasnt there she had to work and now shes gone to maine for 6 days i miss her already.i really do love her and the feeling of real is so there sometimes i still want the fairytale romantic shit but the feeling of it being something normal and stable is also a wonderful thing. i cant believe its only been 4 months i feel so comfortable around her so it feels like so much longer. her roomate that only dated women for 8 years has been seeing a guy for like 3 months and is already pregnant. abby is so cute lauren doesnt know if she is going to keep it yet and when abby talks about it she is always like we just dont know if we can have a baby yet were still so young. she talks about it like its hers. allthese people getting pregnant makes me remember how bad i want to be a mother im so happy for amanda its sounds funny but i think having a baby will help her grow to. anyways im outts here time for bed i work in the morning mexican hell here i come

new york new york
well im here in new york. my planed landed at 140 on thursday of course jorelle didnt come yet me till 3 cause she got lost and winded up in jersey but i wasnt worried i knew that she had gotten lost cause she is HORRIBLE with directions so i just jammed with my walkman and tried to look like a native new yorker.we got to her dads and then we went to dinner with her cousin in the city i drank martinis and you know when i drink martinis its on. we went to this club afterwards and me and jorelle were talking to everyone and grabbing peoples asses her cousins thought we were nuts and then we walked down to get pizza and i tried to climb down a conveyor belt into a restuarant basement somebody please stop me. we are going sight seeing and shoppinf in the city today its hot here like 80 but the sun is not as strong as it is at home. miss my becky butt and my babys kisses. oh and when i get home shawn and rhilma and the kids will be there its like a vacation after vacation ill write again soon from gloucester peackey

spontanaity rules- i just cant spell it
lol so im typing on my live journal while jorelle stresses about finding us flights i love being the irresponsible one. speaking of responsiblility i need to find out what im going to do about school and i need to get my fingerprints taken so i can get my record sealed i love not doing what im supposed to be doing and then stessig out about it later. so abby saw me go psycho and cry for no reason i dont know weather it was my period or the drugs there are traces of evidence of both factors. i love her so much she was sooooo good about it tatiana used to get all defensive and get mad. i was so worried about leaving abby for a week and now im not but god knows what happens whe you let your guard down anyways ill write you from boston!peakey

why hello
ditda
Magic Number 14
Job Serial Killer
Personality Slacker
Temperament A Yo-Yo
Sexual Gay
Likely To Win A Home Help Badge
Me - In A Word Belligerent
Colour light blue

and its been awhile things around here have been crazy like. bekka just turned 21 and we have been partying like rock stars. i celebrated one month with abby whoo hoo, we went to the melting pot for dinner. and i graduated drug court and what was our little friend elissa doing five days late.....you guessed the evil white powder what a loser and i know that im a loser cause i will not tell all of my friends and i happen to be a firm believe in not doing things that i am ashamed to say out loud we all know that i love for my business to be all over. i dont have the attention spand for this shit right now i need a vacation jojo call me

i bet youre tired of hearing about abby
soooooo thngs just keep getting better and better. everyday i fall more and more for her and she doesnt have to make my cry and hurt me for me to know this. when she was drunk on sun she slipped and said something about her caring more for me then i do for her. not sure ifthat is true but im glad that she feels that way. it is going so well but i am still on keeping my gaurd up i think cause i know what the pain can feel like. i called tatiana and asked her how her weekend was with leslie.it still pulls at my heart but im happy for her and i will be very respectful of anyone she chooses to date. the girl is 31 has to kids a five bedroom house and drives a beemer. i cant see her putting up with tatianas ause but maybe tatiana has met thematch that i couldnt be. tatiana says that jb really likes bekka and i am so happy for that bekka deserves to be in love or something like it again. anyways im off farewell live journal world

god that fucking pisses me off i hate when i write for a long time and then it doesnt go threw ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

someday when the world is low i will feel a glow just thinking of you
went to voodoo lastnight with abby and her brother and some of her other friends. its really amazing how confident i am around guys and how not confident i am around girls i think thats the kicker thats the clue that i really am gay. anyways its so cute how much bby loves her brother, it actually makes my heart hurt. sometimes i forget that some people dont have the family that i have even though mind is far from perfect. i have idea what it is like to have to completely support yourself and have noone. i thik i have a soft spot for illigeal aliens that come from nothing.im still scard to let myself completely go to abby but she is making it that much easier. i didnt realize what a scar tatiana put on me but i swaer i keep thinking things are so great right now but i know soon they fall apart. we slept on the couch lastnight so her brother could slep in her bed with his friend. she wouldnt let me sleep on the other couch and so we sleep all cramped on one couch not that comfortable but its really intimate to share that small of a space. ahhh she is sooo cute to me right now when we were downtown i meet them there and when i first walked up she was like im sooo happy right now noone could piss me off i have my baby and my brother with me, and then she wouldnt let me drive home even though i was not that drunk and then when we went home and we were having sex she said i know its sounds corny but i wanna make love to you and then and then and then okay im stopping and im blushing

i thought id never fall but now landing just doesnt seem possible
yea...so i think i love her too. (stage one jorelle) she is soooo cute in the morning in the bed. i love when the tough ones shed thier shell and are complete softies. she is sooooo fucking cute she whispers in my ears cute things and lastnight she woke me out of a dead sleep at 5 in the morning to have sex! in other news im 394 dollars over drawn in my bank account and like 150 of that is all over draft charges. hopefully ill make some money this weekend i swear i spend money like i dont know what.abby brother is coming to visit today she is so excited for me to meet him it is the only family she talks to so she tells me this is as special as m meeting her whole family. i have to work so she is bringing him to my work to eat. bekk oh bekk who chips the tooth honestly. honey i gave laura your mail key, oh and hey your car is not parked in its space do you want me to move it are your keys in the house. ok im out time for a shower

drunken day at the beach
yea so me maria laura and lowden went to the beach and got fucking smashed beth was tee too but then she had to go to work. we were there till seven and me and maria got our nipples pierced. sooo much fun but i wish there was a certain someone back from s africa here to go with us. jorelle left for home i miss her already we went to south beach on sunday and i swear she is the funniest girl in the world. and its so great cause everyone thinks she is so funny so i never have to worry about entertaining her. except she is distructive when she is drunk who shakes up my rootbeer honestly

she fucking loves me?!?!!!
shutup.....abby told me she loved me! lastnight we were laying in bed cuddling and she looked at me and told me babe i love you i was shocked and didnt say anything and thens he asked me if that was okay. i was like are you serious and she was like yes i love everything about you. i told her that i would grow to love her but i didnt to trust her more and she was like it is okay you dont have to say that to me i just wanted to tell you i love you i dont want anything back from you. then i asked her if sh really meant it? i believe that sex brings about emotions and we had just finished havi sex and she was like no i realy meant it and when we woke up this morning the first thing she sid to me was i love you. really fuckng cute....only now im really going to get my face broken. ita weird all this time i have trying to play games so that i wouldnt fall for her because i didnt want her to hurt me and now she has fallen for me. i think its a good thing if i can trust that she really does love me then maybe i can get over this shit about not really letting anyone in.........in other news becka is in s. africa ad i am so in the mood for her but lucky for me jorelle came hoe yesterday and beth is being absolutely awesome right now. i wet to south beach yesterday with abby friends and jorelle it was fun but i spend so much money. well im off today was my last day of drug court and im so proud if myself if i do say so myself.......a thank you

do your thing girl
who loves rebecca like i do. its so nice to feel someone distancing themselves from me and then when i see them again feel the love that they have for me and not have to go into some big long conversation about what happened. strange how you can know so many people and really only be close with a select few. i love jorelle to death and regret at times that we didnt do the college thing together but its nice that the distance has brought us closer and that i know i can trust her with anything. the friend that i found in rebecca was one that i didnt think would ever grow to be this. i knew that rebecca was a cool girl but i didnt think that we would become this close and i love maria for allowing me to spend enough time with bekka to realize how great she really is. i love beth to death but im beginging to think now that her and i will never break that wall that sometimes comes between us. i dont know what it is but ourfriendship does not compare to mine and bekka because there is just something missing. gina i love to death but it seems at times that we have absolutely nothing in common and that hurts our friendship i know that we will be friends forever but never as close as we were when we were when we were younger. and everyone else that dont even deserve to be mentioned in my journal.

umm yea
lets see where to start. i havent written in awhile and its time to catch up. abby and i are now together and i am allowing myself to fall more for her although i dont think i will ever fall again like i did for tatiana. its amazing how you can control your feelings when you know what pain can come from them. jorelle came to visit and i had forgotten how fucking funny she is. abby was grabbing her ass and she apologized to me for it couldnt ask for a better bestest friend honestly. my other friends on the other hand are not impressing me of rather i am not impressing them.i am alittle bitter towards them and them towards me. they do not respect mine and abby relationship and i have noone to blame for that but myself. not only did i start relationship the wrong way i also projected the hard ass and in turn made it seem like my feeling werent geniuine. bekka is being very standoffish and i dont know if that is because i have been in boca or because she is just in a mood that doesnt call for my company. i dont know how to address it and i probably wont. its hard to juggle friends and a relationship especially because my friends are just like me and require the full attention of people. i havent been to the gym in ages and i am feeling a little like a heffer but i have no will to go either, i wish i just had the courage to eat myself into obessity and just get it over with.bye for now

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: dmb

its been awhile
yea so its been awhile since ive written. lets see lauren my friend kisses taiana my ex girlfriend and it changes my whole outlook on life. why cant friends be trusted and how can i be so jealous over someone who i have no desire to be with. tatiana says it was all lauren but continues to call her and lauren says that she just wanted someone to pay attention to her and that she thought i was just trying to be an aqaurius and control everything. great excuses....be back later

soooooo
i really have been in a good mood lately i hate class and i cant wait for it to end but i have been making myself go lately and it feels really good to get the things done that i need to. abby is being really cool and i have been hangingout with my friends enough to not feel like a bad friend and i think beth is over the whole crush on me thing at least she is not beig an asshole anymore. the only thing that i wish i could change is the space between me and my bestest friend in the whole world im not going to tell you nosey people who that is but i wouls give anything to be able to drive over to her house and pinch her with my toes even though i know she would get me back and she is way better at toe pinching then i.

greetings from the land of electronic journals
sooooo... im in a really good mood. work is sooo much fun i feel like a really cool person im a bartender can you feel the power in that yesterday i made 100 dollars and today i made 50. and i think abby is really falling for me she calls me babe and calls all the time its really cute. its weird though when i first met tatiana i was so obessed with her, i dont feel like im capable of those kinds of feelings ever again and im not sad about it. i dont think that was love seriously it was like i was afraid of her i wouldnt even say where i wanted to eat because i didnt want to have a different opinion then she had and put her out in any way.haha over that. so fucking funny we found out that lauren walked home from js and in order to get to her house she had to swim across the intercoastal we went to look at it and it is a pretty fucking far swim i swaer shes a fucking not. she wore bekks shoes and they were weighing her down so she ditched them in the ocean.anyways im off to bed i have class at 9 work at 11 and then class again at 630....

no mood for you
i tryed to give you a mood but theres too many moods listed and i just woke up so i dont have a good grasp on what my mood actually is. how sad about the girl that was rescued not that she was rescued but what she had to go through, honestly who tortures someone like that. compared to that any feelings that i have seem trival but its my fucking journal and i can record my insignifigant feelings if i want to. abby is being really awesome she came home with us on wed night and everyone but beth really likes her. beth beth beth, she sat in the corner all night and talked shit about abby with tatiana. i would be mad at her but she proceeded to write me an email and ask me what i saw in her more than a friend. ouch, i always new beth fought with me more like a lover than a friend and that she needed to be reassured o f my love for her constantly but i didnt know she had feelings for me......great how to get through this one. i didnt go to class today, up till for and when abbys alarm went off for me at 730 i got up went to the bathroom and then right back into bed lol i dont even know why i made her set the alarm i knew i wasnt going to go. please just let me get through this semister lord. lol ok goodnight journal

life is like.....a bag full of shit you never know when youre gonna step in it
god life is so fucking wierd.so abby is being nice to me and i feel alot better. i think i lie to myself when i think im confident and i dont need anyone to make me feel good about myself. you know drugs are really bad for you but when they make you question life and what you are doing with yourself they really give more meaning to life. isnt that weird when you are depressed and want to end your life, life seems to have more meaning. when youre happy its all about how wasted you got or who youre hooking up with. maybe i just have to leave south florida riiiight elissa keep telling yourself that. sometimes i really think that i have a pretty good idea about who i am and then other times it really feels like im lieing to myself, who am i can somebody just tell me that. i mean even just writting that admits a weakness and i dont like to do that but hey....i got my picture in a lesbian magazine and tomorrow i work at the mexican bar again pretty exciting.....blah blah blah

inspire me
i want to be inspired! nothing is stirring something up inside me.its kinda lame. my classes are pointless and being taught by teachers who think they are saying something profound but they realy just want to hear themselves speak. life is men-knot-toe-nous. haha cant spell. abby sucks buts she is paying so little that im starting to lose interest, i told her i was high maintenence and she called me a drama queen. insulting but oh so true. i got a new job bartending at a mexican restuarant not that exciting but atleast i can learn the trade and then be on to bigger and better things plus im working with beth so that should be fun. if you are reading this you are my very favorite person in the hole world and i love you more than a good hair day.....who says i have frizzy hair honestly

thats fucking crappy i just wrote a long entry and then the server was lost and it didnt save! well whatever sum it up quicker went to js made fool of myself, called abby at 3 am made fool of myself, sleep with maria and you guessed it made fool of myself. that about sums it up see you on the flip side

haha jokes on me
well today sucked ass! let me not bore you with the minor details but lets get right down to the really shitty part. ok first a recap, first i met this girl at js and we exchange phonenumbers she calls me fri night and we meet at kicks and since im a dirty slut when i consume any alchol i go home with her. she remindos me alot of my exgirlfriend and even though my exgirlfriend was not someone who i can say alot of nice things about im still attracted to this girl. anyways go home with her im shacked up for the whole weekend and things seem to be going good. she calls me the next day and then like 6 times a day afer that and she seems interested of course shes not very sweet and never gives me compliments but hey thats the ones that get me. so yesterday i go bring her soup and medicine and cuddle with her and shes more affectionate then ever before (when shes sober). i left my license and my credit card over there so tonight i call and say hey im going to come and get my license and credit card and ill bring you some antibiotics that i have left over and she says the dredded "i have to tell you something.....sweeeeet i love when they say that. "danielle is coming over to watch a movie( and yes this is the same danielle that she hooked up with the weekend before me) she like but i dont want you to think anything hello does she know what a jealous person i am. so i tell her ok ill get me license and credit card later and you can take those antibiotics and shove them up your ass. "dont be like that" they always say dont be like that, it starts with the i have to tell you something and ends with dont be like that. so im like ok i have to go and shes like can i call you later(the sarcastic sure) and she like ok ill call you later dont be mad.........summary...its 11 she hasnt called and although im asure myself that i dont want her to im not exactly hurrying to bed cause i know i dont wake up to my phone......life is grand

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